Generativity

By Robert Lilly

Imagine your life at its end, what do you want to leave behind? What was the one thing, or series of things you feel represents your legacy?

I have often thought about my life through this lens. Perhaps it is because of the many years I spent addicted to alcohol and other substances that caused me such instability. Or maybe it is that my dad encouraged me to play the saxophone, and because I resented him, I rejected his guidance, out of spite.

Robert Lilly

The rejection I experienced has led to a loss of the talents I could have developed had I been more obedient to my father. I feel that I squandered or forfeited those opportunities. I carry these regrets with me whenever I hear the saxophone being played or reflect on my mindset that made me turn away from my father’s hopes for his first and beloved son.

These kinds of thoughts compel a person to evaluate their purpose. I cannot reclaim the time that has passed, but I will live intentionally with the time that remains.

I took a leap of faith, years ago, and pursued something that I often reflect on when contemplating whether it is my true purpose. I founded an organization based on an idea inspired by the men who motivated me while I was serving time in prison. That story deserves its own attention.

During my time in incarceration, I often pondered what a “meaningful life” could look like. Honestly, I realized that up until that point, I hadn’t led a life that felt meaningful. When I was shot and found myself reflecting on why I had survived, it became clear to me that my previous existence was truly a series of foolish choices.

In my youth, I thought getting high, hanging with my friends, partying, and exacting vengeance upon anyone who obstructed our desire for unfettered pleasure, was the ultimate life. Then the stark reality of my mortality took grip of my mind and it became clear to me that life was not a given, and despite my unclear sense of purpose or direction, I wasn’t too keen on relinquishing my breath. I wanted to live, but what was living?

That’s when my time in prison and my new peers — men who had a sense of purpose — became both my catalyst and my inspiration. They inspired me to think deeply about my life and what I could ultimately contribute to the world.

Eventually, I was exposed to a program where youthful lawbreakers came into the prison and were set before the men, on the inside, who spoke to them about their mistakes and misdeeds. I was not only impressed, but equally motivated, to be one of the men that stood before them and illuminated them to the facts of life, and how we must be careful with our choices.

The price of admission into this club was to write your life story and identify, as best you could, the root causes that had led to your incarceration. What I thought would be a simple writing exercise turned out to be a life-changing revelation that emerged through the tip of my pen and the blank page before me.

For the first time, I could see that my actions had been grounded in my trauma, and my inability to cope with the traumatic events of my life. Furthermore, I learned my traumas were an extension of my lived experiences in a certain community, at a certain time, and with a specific set of people surrounding me.

For me, healing could and would only come through a proper understanding of those factors.

As I reflected on my failures and limitations, I noticed that many others around me faced similar challenges. This sparked my quest to support youth and adults from impoverished communities who, like me, lacked guidance to find their way out of the maze they were in.

This marked the beginning of Da’Cipher 360 Youth Peer Support Ministries. It represents a collection of the best ideas I gathered during my journey from the depths of darkness and social ineptitude to a place of clarity and social confidence.

Leaving behind prison, and the mentality of the streets was both frightening and exhilarating. I could not know, until I faced it, how I would face rejection, suspicion, and contempt for daring to think outside of the box and far worse, to cut a path for others to find their way out, too.

Reflecting on that time, I think about my journey and the concept of purpose. It brings back memories of self-doubt, overconfidence, and deep insecurity. I discovered what I was truly made of and understood the strength of my character. I realized that I was not everything I aspired to be or everything I believed myself to be, nor was I simply what others perceived me to be.

In the end, I simply want the world to know that I was here. I recognized a problem and sincerely contributed to what I believed was the best solution. I lived my life and left something behind for others to follow.